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 On Sunday for most of my waking day I hardly communicated with anyone. My roommates are gone for the weekend which leaves me by myself in my own little dorm. I only ventured out to get some chicken wings from the dining hall in Newman towers. I had my hood pulled over my head to hide my messy hair, my headphones covered my ears to drone out the sounds of the world, and of course my mask covered half my face; my bangs covered most of the other half as well. There were tons of orders for chicken wings and one lunch lady was there to frantically hand them all out. She asked for my name and order number before searching all the tubs full of buffalo chicken, she was unable to find it at first. Leading her to ask, in an accusatory voice if one of my friends had picked it up for me. I felt as though she was trying to blame me for the disappearance of my order. I didn’t react at all though, I kept a steady expression, ignored the slight rudeness as all I care about is getting something to eat. It only took me a couple seconds of scanning for my meal for me to be able to find it, tucked into the corner of the counter top, blocked from view by the stacks of the food-filled tupperware. I feel like during this singular social experience I had this day it showed how I tend to put up walls for other people, particularly strangers. I don’t expect kindness so I don’t get hurt when people aren't kind. Whenever I leave my dorm I formulate a set mission, in this case it's retrieving the chicken wings I ordered an hour ago. I hardly ever have a goal of talking to people as my social anxiety makes conversing a stressful experience most of the time. Also people are often inclined to be nasty, especially to people who look weird or who aren’t the best dressed (I was wearing pajama bottoms). Technology aided my ability to avoid talking to this lunch lady more since I didn’t have to tell her my order in real life, the grubhub app took care of that for me. I think technology helps me avoid people, and me being me, I almost always choose to take the path where I interact with other people as little as possible.

Once I returned to my dorm I took an hour of no electronics. I decided to use this time working on customizing a doll. I often spend my time being creative listening to music but because that wasn't permitted I was left to my own thoughts. My mind drifted to the stresses of the future week, biology exam...microscope test...latin quiz...but as I focused on the doll I was creating I began thinking of him (the doll) as a character. I thought of what imaginary adventures he had in the past and what strife he’s suffered, and what future awaited him. It was a moment of escapism from my college life, and for a time I was the doll and my hands were god, and I had control of where I was going and where I came from and what kind of person I would be, and who I was was a frowning boy. I was missing a leg and an eye, and had a history of thievery and tears, but that didn’t disturb me, because I knew what my future was, I knew there would be a happy ending and the tears would no longer fall, because I was going somewhere better where milk wouldn’t spill. 

The alarm took me out of this world abruptly, I wasn’t god or a doll any more and I was again back in my own human body. I feel like I don’t really relate to this world much at all. It’s hard for me to live in it, in its monotony and tediousness, and my art is the ladder with which I escape.


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